So, there’s this story that’s often told to families that compares receiving an Autism diagnosis to taking a trip to Holland when you planned your entire vacation around going to Italy. You learned Italian, got excited about the cuisine, and then when the plane lands, you walk outside and find yourself in Holland instead of Italy
Autism ain’t Holland, ya’ll.
One- let’s not compare Autism to a vacation. It’s a job. Lots of work. You don’t get a break when you live Autism. Two- if you went to the Italy Trip Store and they told you, “My bad, we gave your ticket away but here’s some Holland from the stock room,” it wouldn’t be such a bad deal. So you trade pasta for fish, the Coliseum for windmills, and wine for tulips. (Well, maybe that last trade sucks but you’re picking up what I’m putting down). Essentially, going to Holland instead of Italy is just doing one fun thing instead of another fun thing.
Autism isn’t fun. It doesn’t rock my socks. I don’t love it to the moon and back. I could think of 2349820420984098423 other things I’d rather do. My son, however, IS fun. He’s the cat’s pajamas. I adore his stinky self. I tell him daily he’s the most perfect son. But HE is not Autism.
I don’t agree that it is advantageous to advise parents who are receiving a new diagnosis that Autism is like going to Holland instead of Italy. With that said, I do understand and can even appreciate the sentiment behind it. Autism is not the worst thing that can happen to your child….it’s simply something different than what you thought was going to happen. There are awful, terminal things that can happen to our children. This is not like those things. I understand why this anecdote is recanted time and time again- I’ve personally heard it for years. But I also don’t want people to feel trivialized. Everything is relative. It’s ok, when you get a diagnosis, to feel upset and sad and mad about it. Just because it’s not “the worst thing that could happen” doesn’t mean you’re not allowed a minute to feel like it is. What matters, ultimately, is where you end up. If you find acceptance and make the right steps to help your child, you’re allowed to feel however you’re going to feel along the way. Being told I’m “going to Holland instead of Italy” makes me feel like I’m being cut off in the middle of a feeling-like someone is saying “Eh eh eh eh….feel this, not that….it could be worse!.” I’m certain these are things people say when they do not have a child with Autism. You have to feel things in order to work through things.
Let’s advise parents differently. Let’s advise the truth- it’s going to be hard sometimes. It’s going to be a lot of work. But it’s going to be so rewarding to see the hard work pay off and ultimately, everyone is in fact going to be ok.
It felt like Afghanistan in the beginning. I haven’t found Holland yet but we seem to be sitting somewhere in the Florida Keys right now. A lot of days are sun-filled and fun but sometimes hurricanes still blow through. And when they do, we simply pick up the pieces, fortify the foundation, and wait for the sun to come out again.
Where are you all right now?