In contrast to my dear wife, I am much more private about sharing on the internet. She really wanted to share my experience so we’ll give this a shot.
Coming to terms with your child having autism is difficult. First, there’s the standard bargaining and denial while trying to attribute the signs you are seeing as symptoms of anything else. He’s not as responsive because he couldn’t hear well, the tubes will fix this. His language is delayed because he’s been focusing on developing his off the chart motor skills. Upon hearing about all the words a friend’s child of the same age was saying, I countered that my still silent toddler can push the dining room table across the room, so take that!
Eventually, we run out of excuses and have to come to terms with our child having autism. It’s a sort of mourning process, where a parent loses the child they thought they had and the life they anticipated. We dream of a life of happiness for a child, of little things like playing catch, of getting a hug and hearing “I love you” from a safe, happy, and engaging son or daughter. That dream gets shattered like a dropped glass upon accepting the diagnosis.
Over time a new dream forms with different expectations and ultimately acceptance. I look at autism as Caleb partly lives in another world. While I’m trying my best to bring him into ours, I also am trying to understand and live in his. Autism is wide-spectrum and some children will live fully in their own world or, conversely, be even more in ours. For example, Caleb will occasionally reach out and rapidly scratch my chest or face. That’s his way of communicating “I’m happy and I love you” when he’s filled with feeling good but doesn’t know how to express it. That feels awesome and brings such a smile to my face now. We also work on language and I’ve been rewarded with an extremely rare spoken “I love you” maybe 3 times in 2 years.
As Caleb grows older, we face new challenges but also new reasons to rejoice. Caleb has inherited our love of animals and has shown such interest in dogs, fish, snakes, and lizards. Incredibly, he has demonstrated deep affection for newborn puppies, even going so far as to lie down next to the litter and gently stroke them. I’ll take it! Similarly, Caleb has started playing with action figures… flying a caped superman and batman around the house. No real engagement with me but he occasionally gestures for help such as in getting them to sit in toy vehicles. Riding on my lap and getting to “steer” a variety of vehicles also gives him such joy.
While it would be nice to be able to communicate more about the animals, action figures, or vehicles, these mutual interests have formed a bridge between our two worlds. My new dream is to build upon these bridges as Caleb grows. Every child is different though and my new expectations may be too great or too small for your situation. I think, at least, that every parent should be able to find some sort of common ground interaction with their child, and that is a good place to start building a new future.
Love and Autism,