This Little Light of Mine

Things have been super quiet on this page because I feel like I’ve had about 0.3 seconds to breathe in the last month. I work a lot of the time. I’m Caleb and Ari’s mom ALL of the time. I haven’t been in town on the weekends and so suddenly it’s been like “Take That, what???” But here I am, back at it. Because I may have taken a blogging hiatus, but Autism never takes a break.

¬†I used to have this stance, regarding Caleb, that¬†we don’t separate. If there was something going on that Caleb maybe wasn’t ready for or may find overwhelming, I didn’t send Ari with daddy while I stayed with Caleb. We all simply found something else to do together. I had a very Godfather mentality of “you never turn your back on the family” and the second that I allowed Ari to do something I wasn’t sure about for Caleb, I felt like I had turned my back on him. That it meant I didn’t believe in him. The one exception I made was weekly gymnastics class for Ari because she needed consistent exposure to typically developing peers. Other than that, every picture of every outing has both of my children in it. And because I feel it’s ridiculous to blog about something without being 100% transparent about it, I’ll admit I was probably a little self righteous about it and thought it’s how everyone else should roll too. Silly Erin.

Recently I found myself at a crossroads and took Ari to an event and left Caleb behind because I wasn’t sure how he’d do but wanted her to have the opportunity so I went back on my self imposed rule. But it took an hour long midnight conversation with my best friend held up in a hotel room on a momcation to get there. And then I was certain he was watching and crying from the dining room window as we left down the driveway. Ok, I thought. I did it this one time. Fluke, not a pattern. Then my husband approached me one night last week and asked what I thought about him taking Ari to a family event while Caleb stayed behind with me. Again, full disclosure, my knee jerk reaction was to tense up, furrow my brow, and purse my lips. I automatically felt defensive and had the need to justify all the things he’s doing awesome when it was brought up how this may not be the best fit for him. Also, I 100% agreed with my husband. I find though, that I have zero tolerance for speech that is critical of my son. Constructive? Sure. Tip or trick? Yes please. Criticism or negativity that serves no purpose? I will cut you and I will cut deeply. I acknowledge there should maybe be some self regulation there versus going from zero to “I’m coming at you swinging” but today, there’s not. Also, thinking out loud, we’ll talk about the protective nature of being a special needs parent being equivalent to a grizzly bear with roid rage another day.

Ultimately, I decided my husband’s request was reasonable and appropriate and he made super fun plans with Ari while I started making super fun plans with Caleb. Then I found myself on an interesting side of a phone call with him a couple of days later. It started with “I have some concerns about Caleb.” He proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t sure about taking Ari on a trip because it didn’t feel right to leave Caleb behind. And in fairness Caleb had graciously been invited and when Brian explained that he may make a scene it was simply met with “I don’t care, we’ll figure it out.” Still, both of them at once in the perfect storm can in fact be a bit much to handle. Overall, Brian felt his plans just didn’t feel fair to Caleb. And in a moment of logic and unprecedented self-clarity I don’t usually exhibit, I told my husband the following:

“In trying to be fair to Caleb you may find you’re actually being quite unfair to Ari.”

And just like that, we realized, that we have reached a point where there is now a significant gap between Ari and Caleb’s development and we have to give her opportunities that Caleb still needs more time to grow into. It doesn’t mean he won’t get there. It doesn’t mean he won’t have the same chances. Helping one shine doesn’t mean we’re putting out the light of the other.

Shine on, Ari. Shine bright, Caleb. The rest of the world is just gonna have to put on some shades.

Love and Autism,