We did something this past weekend that’s a game changer. Something that most parents do but that we had never felt comfortable pursuing to date. We found a babysitter!
I’ll speak about this in context of my son, Caleb, who has Autism. While his little sister does have a language delay, she’s doing more everyday and has a great deal of expressive vocabulary, two word phrases, and awesome social skills. In effect- watching her is easy. If you don’t mind the sauciness her red hair brings to the table. My son, however, is more challenging. While that doesn’t make me feel awesome to say, it simply is what it is.
The only people to ever watch Caleb without my husband or myself around are his blood related grandparents. And that’s been rare and up until last month, only for us to go address things such as medical emergencies and to-do list items that he simply couldn’t be present for (buying a car, donkey surgery in the barn….you know….those fun things). Typical errands, appointments, and all leisurely activities we’ve participated in since his birth 4 years ago, we’ve brought him along to. And while we don’t necessarily want to change that because we feel getting out and about is crucial to what we’re trying to accomplish and a lot of places we go are for his benefit, it did become draining for my husband and I- who have been together for 10 years- to not have gone out by ourselves to do something fun together in almost 4 years. Also, while we’re fortunate to have one parent who is able to work from home, sometimes Brian is required to be present in person at his company’s headquarters in VA Beach. And since I’m working full-time M-F 9-6 helping lots of little people in the community, our need for a babysitter to watch our own little people emerged.
We had to start with the “who”. Never ever in my life have I ever used Facebook as a plea for help with anything but if you look at the first week of May on my personal page you’ll see a desperate “I need someone to watch my special needs son- HELP!” post. And do you know what happens when you reach out to your friends- even the ones who are “Facebook friends” only? You’re pleasantly surprised 🙂 I got lots of good feedback but knew that the teenage daughter of one my dearest friends here who had had lots of experience working with kids of all ages, including those with special needs, would definitely be the best girl for us. In previous jobs I never used my PTO for vacation- I used it to stay with my kids when my husband couldn’t be here during the day for one reason or another. Lesson learn here? Don’t try to fix everything yourself- if you need help, ask.
And help is what I need coming up here soon as my husband will be working out of town and I need to go to work also. So this past weekend we had a “trial.” And in 100% honesty, it was not a trial for our babysitter….it was a trial for Caleb. And what I learned in hindsight was that it was a trial for me also. While Caleb’s been exposed to lots of different people, he’s never been left one-on-one with them. So I didn’t know how he would do. And while that can be said for any typically developing child….not just mine with Autism…..here are the extra challenges that come with trusting someone with my child without me being present:
- Communication: As it stands, my child is largely non-verbal. Pre-verbal is likely more appropriate but his spontaneous vocabulary is limited and while his imitative vocabulary is improving daily, imitations can not answer questions such as “what do you want?” or “what’s wrong?”. And do you know what else is going against him? Those spontaneous productions he has are extremely apraxic….thus largely unintelligible to an unfamiliar communication partner. While we are starting to use AAC, that is new to Caleb (and my babysitter) and could likely cause more frustration than benefit by asking them to use it without proper training.
- Social Skills: Deficits here are hallmarks of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I will admit that while Caleb has been rocking this skill set (to an extent) lately, I still have concerns such as his ability to take direction from someone who isn’t me, his flexibility in doing things a little differently than he’s used to, transitions, etc. If you’ve ever met a child with Autism, transitions are major. Consistency is imperative. So what happens if those things aren’t able to be replicated while he’s with someone else? Because as detail oriented as I am “all day erryday”, I will not remember to tell her everything.
- Play: In this house, sometimes we use action figures to drive airplanes and ride t-rexes. But sometimes we like to line them up in descending order of size from tallest to shortest. Sometimes we build intricate multi-tiered towers with blocks, and sometimes we group them by color. Caleb’s cool with that. I’m cool with that. Is everybody cool with that, though?
- Sensory needs: Yes, Caleb may climb to the top of the couch and crash into the cushions. That’s giving sensory input. Yes, Caleb may push that dining room chair across the floor. That’s heavy work. It’s also why I replaced the dining room light fixture with one flush to the ceiling versus one hanging three feet down by a cable. Absolutely Caleb may spin in a circle, giggling, until he collapses in dizziness like a rum-riddled pirate. It’s all good. My expectations when it comes to sensory seeking behaviors are pretty lax- stay safe and do not touch anything hanging on the walls. Bam. But if you’ve never seen a kid exhibiting sensory seeking behaviors, you may not know what to make of it.
About our trial……
Within the first 3 minutes of meeting the babysitter, Caleb walked up to her, took her hand and led her to the kitchen counter, placed her hand on a box of new 12 piece dinosaur puzzles, led her to the dining room table with those puzzles, sat her in a chair, then climbed onto the table with her. (Yes- ONTO the table, ya’ll. Pick yo’ battles). Ok… communication concerns obliterated because it’s pretty clear what he wanted there. Per her report, while we were gone, he decided to stand on the kitchen counters. (While I may be forgiving to a kid who wants to sit on my dining room table and play, I will at least say that counter top climbing has never been permissible….or ever even attempted by Caleb. But sometimes we test limits of new people to see what kind of ridiculousness we can get away with). So what did she do? Got him down, then chased him through the house playing monster. Dang, girl. Get’em. Sensory needs: met. Play skills: Caleb’s on it. After some wonderful monster chasing through my home, I learned that Caleb climbed onto her lap on the couch……onto her lap….not beside….not on a nearby chair….straight up on her lap….and fell asleep watching the Angry Birds movie. I didn’t even know he liked Angry Birds!!! Social skills conquered.
So, we were fortunate to find a good fit. I also learned that special needs parenting makes me worried all of the time. Especially when I’m not there. It makes me on Caleb like white on rice sometimes. It sometimes makes my default setting “expect and plan for the worst.” So, I learned, in hindsight, that our babysitting trial was for me too. It was for me to learn that if you prepare people properly, there is no need to consume myself with pessimistic assumptions. It was for me to realize that Caleb can do a lot more than I give him credit for, which I hope is at least a testament to the hard work we put into him. It was for me to learn to balance and to realize that aside from my strong personality traits of needing to control things and having a superior level of anxiety, other people can in fact do things as well as me, lol.
I’ll admit that there was one moment of panic. While we were out, I got a message that said “Hey Erin.” I replied with a cool, calm “Hey. What’s up?” but automatically went into an internal panic and immediately thought “forget a doggy bag- throw a $20 on the table and LET’S GO!”. Turns out, she only wanted to know if she could have a sparkling water from the fridge. Yes girl- have all of them!!!!!! Apparently I have a babysitter that not only rocks it with my kids, but whom is also abundantly polite, lol.
So, this is a game changer for my family. It means I can see my husband again more than just in passing. It means that I can use my PTO for a vacation, not to parent my own children. This. Changes. Everything.
I hope everyone is as fortunate as us in who they get to call a part of their tribe.
Love and Autism,